Hello! It's been too long. I have been a terrible blogger. Oh well. Only Lacey reads this, so it doesn't really matter. I made some pillows and a dog bed last night, but I forgot to take pictures, so instead of writing about that, I'm going to write about something that's been driving me CRAZY...
About 3 months in to our marriage, people started asking me when we're going to have kids. My standard reply is, "I don't know, we'll see." What I'm thinking in my head is, "Mind your own goddam business, Assface McGee!".
It gets worse around the holidays. My mom was particularly punch-worthy at Christmas when, in front of a butt-load of my family, she asked us flat out "So when are you going to make me a grandmother?". I gave her my standard reply in the coldest voice possible. Other family members just hinted at it. I'd be holding someone's toddler in my arms and a cousin would say something like "You and Brad are going to have such cute kids." then they'd stare at me expectantly. It's like everyone was waiting for me to announce my pregnancy. I get it - people do that around Christmas -time. Only problem is -I'm not fucking pregnant. And guess what, it's none of your business as to when Brad and I decide to have kids.
Having kids is a huge decision. Financially, emtionally and otherwise. I'm really not looking to discuss that decision with anyone other than my husband and my closest friends.
So when that balding, gingerheaded dillhole in my office makes a comment about how it's my turn to have kids, I just smile at him while thinking to myself, "Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you..." Meanwhile he's prattling on about having kids is just so cool and you'll never experience anything else like it. The problem with this is - I didn't ask. I didn't ask you what it's like to be a parent. I know very little about you (except that you love Dave Matthews Band and you drive a Ford F250) and I don't care about you or your super radical 1-year-old.
Part of the reason for this baby pressure cooker is because seven of my girlfriends are pregnant right now. (Including Mrs. Campbell!) My whole world is infected with the baby fever! I am genuinely happy for all my friends! I can't wait to meet each one of their babies and to squish their chubby legs and coo at them! I'm going to buy them all high-top baby Nike's becase that's the cutest thing ever.
I am just incredibly tired of being asked when Brad and I are going to make a human. Guess what? We'll fucking let you know. How about that? If we decide to have kids, how about I just put out an all-points-bulletin to everyone I've ever spoken to in my entire life. That way, everyone can know everything about my uterus! God knows, what I do with my womb is everybody's business. That much has been made clear to me in the last year.
Yes, I'm bitter. I'm really really tired of people who barely know me asking me about it. Just because we work in the same office, does not mean you can ask me something so personal. Just because we're related by marriage, doesn't mean it's any of your beeswax. Deciding whether or not be become a parent is super hard and super pesonal; and it's presumptuous and rude to ask someone you don't know very well when they're going to have kids.
On behalf of myself and every other childless married couple that you don't know all that well: STOP IT.
Love,
Joy "No I'm not fucking pregnant." Bush
P.S.
The pillows and dog bed I made are super cute so I'll take pics and blog about them soon. Word.
Also, I know I sound really angry in this post, but oh well. I needed to vent, so suck it, Internet.
Angie and I have been hearing this for years and it is horribly annoying. It's especially creepy when it's the in-laws because it seems like they are telling me I'm not boning their daughter enough. There's nothing sexier then your relatives encouraging you to have sex. I can't tell you how many moms of students at school have grilled me about my lack of children. They seriously ask me if I have kids and then follow it up with "why not?" That second part especially pisses me off. Like I have to explain it to them, like me not having kids is somehow wrong or that we are perhaps trying NOT to. It's not my fault I didn't knock somebody up at 18. So yeah, I'm with you man. People are morons.
ReplyDeleteFuck yeah to this. People have no filter, and don't even think about how incredibly rude and insensitive it is to just pry into someone's life like that. It happened to me before Rob and I were engaged (I'm sure to you too!), before getting pregnant and now that I'm pregnant people think that my growing belly means they can ask me anything about my pregnancy or give up some ridiculous advice that I don't care to hear.
ReplyDeleteI say the next time someone asks you when you're going to have kids you should simply tell them how infuriating it is when people ask that question. Sadly, I think it's the only way to 1) shut them up and 2) make sure they'll never ask again.
Can't wait to see your pillows and dog bed! I gots to get on my sewing machine!
Biff, the thought of The Bird giving you conception advise is hysterical and so very creepy.
ReplyDeleteErin, I am absolutely going to take your advice. This dude in my office will not shut up about it. It's time to make him stop.
I can attest to having experienced all of the above and more. Like at Brad and Joy's wedding when I was handed a baby, IN THE RECEIVING LINE, and asked, "feels good doesn't it, don't you guys want some?" in front of everyone. horrifying.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, The Bird has informed me on several occasions that we just need to have lots of sex and that I need to relax. Seriously?
Wah-hoo, I gots me a shout out in the first paragraph. However, I am apparently not the only one to read this ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd, I feel you. We got asked that constantly. And my standard reply was always something about 5 years down the road, once I'm done with all my schooling, blah, blah... That way I also caught them all off guard when we did decided (on our own) to get pregnant. Take that, sucka face!
The invasion of privacy I am super dreading is belly touching. You know my feelings on physical contact period, let alone peeps who barely know me touching my stomach. Ugh.